Long Time No See.

the little note i left behind

Wow.

Just wow.

The last few months are a blur.

A good kinda blur.

Like a band-aid that has covered a cut for far too long and you know you have to rip it off really fast...

and when you finally tug it...revealing fresh air on the skin...

you wonder why you waited so damn long.

It all happened so fast.

And now?

I'm blissfully something.

Sure, there are still boxes left to unpack...

and I'm still learning to fit my happiness inside these walls...

New jeans take awhile to feel like favorites...

As will my new home.

I'm taking it all in one day at a time and becoming more familiar with my brand new surroundings.

For instance...

I know now that daddy-long-leg spiders can grow to be as big as your head. (I've seen a million here and my Ben has had the lovely duty of coming to rescue each time.)

and

The garbage pickup is on Wednesday and you better remember because they will not come get it out of your garage.

and

My neighbors all go to bed at 8pm and the place feels like a ghost town.


I'm not going to sit here, typing away in my new pool colored studio, and lie to you though.

It's been rough.

I've had my moments of OH MY GOSH. WHAT HAVE WE DONE? I MISS MY LITTLE HOME!!

I want to stomp and pout and throw a fit that would rival my 2-year-old son's.

I was comfortable there.

Emotionally Safe.

Everything was predictable and cozy.

Here, I am off kilter and holding on...but everyday feels a little bit better.

I'm just waiting for the cozy to find me.

Until it does I am surrounded with the boys I love and the (meaningless) items I love.

I can't complain without looking like a spoiled brat.

OH YEA! YOU HAVE IT SO ROUGH SHELLI.

Right?

Right.

I know there are bigger problems in the world then me and my separation issues.

I just fail to see them right now.


Oh and one last thing.

That all of you should know.

Because each of you that left a comment below had a hand in me saying goodbye to my little apartment.

On the night before we turned in the keys I drove back to my little empty apartment by myself.

I pulled in the parking lot and stared at the building with sadness fluttering in my heart.

I got out...

walked up the concrete steps...

through the main door...

and arrived at door 204.

All I could think the whole time was: THIS IS IT. THE LAST 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND THIS IS IT. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THIS MOMENT FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS AND NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO IT.

I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE.

I turned the key.

And although I had been there for the entire week cleaning and making sure everything was perfect...

It felt like I hadn't been there in months.

I was going through the motions and now I was feeling it.

It smelled of bleach and floor cleaner.

I began to cry the moment I stepped in the door.

I was alone...but I needed to be. I didn't want anyone to tell me I was being silly or feel sorry for me.

I just wanted to let go.

And I did.

I sat down on the worn carpet in the bare living room and closed my eyes as tightly as I could.

Forcing memories into focus.

I saw my son walk for the first time...

I saw my husband dancing like a fool by the big window...

I saw the last few years dance through my head.

And then I slipped my mobile phone from my pocket and clicked on INTERNET EXPLORER.

Through teary eyes I typed in this very blogs address and clicked on the post below.

And there...

Right there...

in those last moments in the place I had so loved...

I read aloud each of your comments.

You did not judge me.

You did not scold me.

You shared with me stories as though I were your very dear friend.

You will never know how each of you helped me let go...

but you did.

Every word.

Every line.

Every single one of you.



I took a few last photo's so I could show Brayden someday and I signed our names in the circuit-breaker-box.

I took one last look at my little apartment...

opened the door to leave...

and I've been doing my very best to never look back.

xo

ps: i have not forgotton about the freebie giveaway! i will choose the winners soon, i promise.

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A Give-Away and A Move-Away!

new print: Believe It available in the Etsy shop

So many times in our lives we come to little or big forks in the road.

This is one of mine.


There are so many things I am feeling right now.

I don't know how to say them out loud.

I don't know how to get them out.

Inside my head they are silly thoughts.

So silly that I don't know why I think them...or why I feel them.

So I write them.

I write them and hopefully something, like healing, will come from it.

I write them down in the belief I will then be able to set them free and let them go.

That's all I want.

TO LET THEM GO.

I want peace and calm to find me.

My husband and I just purchased our first little home. It is a townhouse. Nothing extravagant. But to us, it is beautiful. It is everything we hoped for and more. Well, almost. Without a
deck or patio and sacrificing an actual yard to plant peonies in...it's pretty freakin perfect.

It was the first house we looked at.

Which seems crazy...but it's not if you know us.

We know what we like...what we will accept and what we will not.

First and for most it needed to be a great place to raise our son for a few years and a place to house my growing business.

With the rolling open farm land and giant green pine trees set against that blue-sky day...it fit. Everything fell into place and here we are.

We are 336 hours away from our closing.

Two weeks.

14 days.

and a bajillion things to do.

My head is spinning.

I am happy one minute and very sad the next.

Happy.

Sad.

Happy.

Sad.

And this is where the silly comes in.

I'm sad because this little apartment that we have now has been my home for just about forever.

Everything good has happened to me here.

I don't care that it's run down and falling apart...or that my neighbors are rude and loud.

Ok, wait, I do care a little...

but in the big scheme of things this box has been my life.

And I don't want to LET go.

To leave.

To pack it up and say goodbye.

I've had numerous parties and sleepovers here.

I've had bangs and falls.

Tears and laughter.

Cold days...hot summer nights.

I got home from marrying my husband in Cabo San Lucas Mexico four years ago and rose petals lined this carpet.

THIS crummy carpet.

Rose petals laid.

I sprayed the deck with black spray paint (by accident) and I can still see the speckles.

I did those speckles and now I am leaving them.

I painted words like "Bathe and Brush" and the bathroom wall...I don't know why I did it, but I did and now?

I am leaving them.

I saw movies here.

Made dinner after dinner here...

I fell down the stairs here.

I rescued a turtle here and a cat.

I started my work here.

Right here in fact.

On this crummy carpet.

I had birthday's here.

Anniversary's.

Ordinary days.

I, in a sense, grew up here.

I slept here and had good dreams.

I had bad dreams.

I've opened gifts on Christmas morning.

And-

this is where it really hurts.

I brought my son home from the hospital here.

Here.

Here!

Right here.

On December 6th 2006 I walked my little baby in that door and never looked back.

I can almost still see his bassinet waiting for him.

I remember setting up his crib before he was born.

Here.

Everything happened right here.

He took his first steps here and said his first words.

And I don't know how the hell I am going to leave it all.

These walls hold so much of me.

The very thought of closing that big wood door and turning the key one last time makes me so sad it's as if my heart is breaking.

My eyes fill with tears and I cry.

I hate change.

I told you, it's silly.

But those things are what make me...ME.

Those memories.

Those moments.

Those feelings and that happiness.

That is what makes my life.

I know the new house will bring me new memories...

new adventures...

new hopes and dreams...

But this is the place where everything GOOD and great and amazing happened.

It's hard to imagine another home coming close.

Though my husband, who stares at me in sadness when I begin to sob, assures me life will not only be just as good...it will be better.

I have to believe him.

He is my rock and my best friend and 9 times out of 10 he is exactly right.

So I have to say goodbye to my little apartment.

I have to say goodbye to you, little apartment.

Thank you for everything.

EVERYTHING.

I'm not just saying it to say it. I mean it. With everything that I am.

Thank you for protecting us from the wind, the rain, the world outside.

Thank you for holding my secrets and happiness in your walls and
never letting them seep out.

Thank you for watching over us all this time and allowing us to grow.

Thank you letting the sun in and keeping the dark out.

Thank you for keeping spiderman on the ceiling (inside joke) and keeping us warm.

So warm.

So warm and so happy.

Thank you.

I hope that the next person to live inside these walls will have half the fun we did.

I hope they are nice and sweet and treasure the time they have in this little nest.

It may be small...but it's so full of love.

So full of love.

I'm gonna miss this place.

My little apartment.

I will never forget you.

As silly as it is, I will never forget.

xo


ps: If you read this whole thing...thank you. I am leaving comments open in the hopes you can cheer me up...OR just say hello. I will then pick 4 random comments and send them a free "Cest La Vie" journal/notebook that has been professionally produced and will be sold in stores soon! You will get a journal and a few other goodies! So please, comment away. I will announce the lucky winners in the next week or two. xo

Apple Street: A mini sized collection!

Pssst: I will be listing some teeny originals in the etsy shop today! (monday march 30th) Little houses on little canvas. This mini collection is called "Apple Street" and I hope you'll come by for a visit!

www.dazeychic.etsy.com

In other news, the partner in crime and I purchased a nice little townhouse and are packing up our nest.

It's on to bigger and better pastures.

Or something like that.

Now if Spring would hurry up and show her pretty face...I'd be one very happy girl.

xo

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