the little note i left behindWow.
Just wow.
The last few months are a blur.
A good kinda blur.
Like a band-aid that has covered a cut for far too long and you know you have to rip it off really fast...
and when you finally tug it...revealing fresh air on the skin...
you wonder why you waited so damn long.
It all happened so fast.
And now?
I'm blissfully something.
Sure, there are still boxes left to unpack...
and I'm still learning to fit my happiness inside these walls...
New jeans take awhile to feel like favorites...
As will my new home.
I'm taking it all in one day at a time and becoming more familiar with my brand new surroundings.
For instance...
I know now that daddy-long-leg spiders can grow to be as big as your head. (I've seen a million here and my Ben has had the lovely duty of coming to rescue each time.)
and
The garbage pickup is on Wednesday and you better remember because they will not come get it out of your garage.
and
My neighbors all go to bed at 8pm and the place feels like a ghost town.
I'm not going to sit here, typing away in my new pool colored studio, and lie to you though.
It's been rough.
I've had my moments of OH MY GOSH. WHAT HAVE WE DONE? I MISS MY LITTLE HOME!!
I want to stomp and pout and throw a fit that would rival my 2-year-old son's.
I was comfortable there.
Emotionally Safe.
Everything was predictable and cozy.
Here, I am off kilter and holding on...but everyday feels a little bit better.
I'm just waiting for the cozy to find me.
Until it does I am surrounded with the boys I love and the (meaningless) items I love.
I can't complain without looking like a spoiled brat.
OH YEA! YOU HAVE IT SO ROUGH SHELLI.
Right?
Right.
I know there are bigger problems in the world then me and my separation issues.
I just fail to see them right now.
Oh and one last thing.
That all of you should know.
Because each of you that left a comment below had a hand in me saying goodbye to my little apartment.
On the night before we turned in the keys I drove back to my little empty apartment by myself.
I pulled in the parking lot and stared at the building with sadness fluttering in my heart.
I got out...
walked up the concrete steps...
through the main door...
and arrived at door 204.
All I could think the whole time was: THIS IS IT. THE LAST 12 YEARS OF MY LIFE AND THIS IS IT. I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THIS MOMENT FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS AND NOW I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO IT.
I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE.
I turned the key.
And although I had been there for the entire week cleaning and making sure everything was perfect...
It felt like I hadn't been there in months.
I was going through the motions and now I was feeling it.
It smelled of bleach and floor cleaner.
I began to cry the moment I stepped in the door.
I was alone...but I needed to be. I didn't want anyone to tell me I was being silly or feel sorry for me.
I just wanted to let go.
And I did.
I sat down on the worn carpet in the bare living room and closed my eyes as tightly as I could.
Forcing memories into focus.
I saw my son walk for the first time...
I saw my husband dancing like a fool by the big window...
I saw the last few years dance through my head.
And then I slipped my mobile phone from my pocket and clicked on INTERNET EXPLORER.
Through teary eyes I typed in this very blogs address and clicked on the post below.
And there...
Right there...
in those last moments in the place I had so loved...
I read aloud each of your comments.
You did not judge me.
You did not scold me.
You shared with me stories as though I were your very dear friend.
You will never know how each of you helped me let go...
but you did.
Every word.
Every line.
Every single one of you.
I took a few last photo's so I could show Brayden someday and I signed our names in the circuit-breaker-box.
I took one last look at my little apartment...
opened the door to leave...
and I've been doing my very best to never look back.
xo
ps: i have not forgotton about the freebie giveaway! i will choose the winners soon, i promise.
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